Brother: Don't you want to jack off to that car?
Myself: ... ...Yes. Yes, I do.
Brother: Yeah, it's pretty awesome. Too bad you can't.
Myself: Can't what.
Brother: Jack off to that car.
Myself: Dude, I can jack off to that car.
Brother: No, you're a girl.
Myself: Trust me, I can touch myself just fine (I have no idea why I said that but whatever).
Brother: Well, you can't call it jacking off, because that's for guys.
Myself: Well, then, what am I supposed to call it? Ryan (my delicious boyfriend) has six and a half nick names for it.
Brother: You can call it masturbation.
Myself: That's boring as hell, though. I think I should be allowed to call it whatever I want.
Brother: You can only call it jacking off if you're a shemale.
Myself: What if I have a strap-on?
Brother: No, that's still not jacking off.
Myself: Well, it's a dildo. And you can jack it off, since it's a phallic sex object.
Brother: It's not the same, though.
(Five minutes of derailing conversation later)
Myself: But some guys like it in the ass, and it's not gay if it's a girl with a strap-on.
Brother: But it's just creepy.
Myself: It's not gay, though.
Brother: I can only do that if it's two girls.
Myself: Wait, so, two girls can have butt sex, but a guy and a girl can't have legitimate, heterosexual intercourse with a strap-on if that's what gets them off?
Brother: No, it's weird.
Myself: Well, what if he's sucking her dildo off?
Brother: No, she'd have to be a shemale.
Myself: Again with the shemales. Why can't it be a dildo?
Brother: Because it's not the same. It's like two guys doing it.
Myself: So two guys can't do it, but two girls can?
Brother: Well, yeah. It's kind of gay, but it's um..
Myself: Hot?
Brother: ..Yes. It's very hot.
Myself: (Laughing my ass off) Wait, so, can two girls have sex and still be straight? Like girl on girl?
Brother: Only if they're drunk.
Myself: Okay, what? They only get to have gay sex and be straight if they're wasted.
Brother: Yeah.
Myself: What if they're best friends just fooling around with each other?
Brother: They still have to be drunk.
(Walking through the door)
Myself: Dad, Stephen thinks the only time lesbian sex is acceptable is when you're wasted.
Brother: SHUT UP WHAT
Ha. And people say autistic folks are sensitive.
