Monday, May 31, 2010

@ 12:22 PM

So, although my friends know that I'm a serious freakin' wuss and the Red Hot Chili Peppers is about as hardcore as I get, they continue to try and toughen me up by sending me scary screamo metal stuff that makes me squeak.

Worst intro ever, but I've been looking through all of my old "Received Files" on MSN, and it took me back about three years. I'd like you to go with me and ask yourself...

Remember when...

The Academy Is... was new?

Panic! at the Disco didn't suck? (Of course, they have always sucked; I speak only of a state of mind, here.)

Simple Plan was for the cool kids, and Linkin Park was for the deep ones?

Green Day songs sounded good on your NeoPets profile?

You had a NeoPets?

You told people you had a NeoPets?

You could wear a skirt over your jeans and nobody said a word?

You wanted to/started a band with the letter 'x' somewhere in the name?

Charlie the Unicorn was funny?

Fred Figglehorn didn't exist?

The 'Tourettes' episode of South Park came out?

Happy Meals still came in boxes? (Okay, that was several years ago, but it's still cool.)

Pokemon Diamond and Pearl didn't exist?

Maximum Ride didn't suck ass?

Sonic was kinda cool? (Jami would shoot me right now.)

You still went outside?

I hadn't made this list?

Anyway, it just took me back to the days when I was a hell of a lot stupider than I am now.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

@ 8:53 PM

This is what I do on OMEGLE all day.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: 16 m uk

You: Some people just don't appreciate a good story.

Stranger: i do

Stranger: tell me

You: No, way, the last person I told a story to disconnected halfway through.

Stranger: i promise i wont

You: Alright, then. It's called Franklin Visits the Doctor.

You: Franklin could count by twos and tie his shoes.

You: He could zip zippers and button buttons. He was very good at drawing.

You: One day, Franklin's mom said, "Franklin, it's time to visit Dr. Fox!"

You: Franklin had never been to the doctor before. "But I'm not sick!" he said. Franklin's mother laughed and dragged him to the car.

You: The waiting room at Dr. Fox's smelled weird. There were old magazines and people with tasteless clothing and a crying baby.

You: It was, altogether not an ideal situation, and Franklin became very nervous.

You: "Franklin!" called a receptionist. "Dr. Fox will see you, now."

You: "Go on by yourself," said Franklin's mother.

You: So the nervous little turtle wandered into the labyrinth of hallways behind the big oak door, and found a large fox in a starched coat waiting for him.

You: "Hi, Franklin!" he said. "I'm Dr. Fox. Come on back, and I'll give you a check-up."

You: So Franklin followed him into a brightly-colored room with pretty pictures on the walls.

You: It wasn't too bad, but Franklin was pretty nervous.

You: "I've never been to the doctor before," he said. "What do you do?"

You: All of a sudden, a light lit up in Dr. Fox's eyes. "Never before?" he asked.

You: "Never," Franklin replied. The look on Dr. Fox's face made him uncomfortable.

You: It was a hungry look.

You: "Well," said Dr. Fox, casually. "We taste- I mean, take your pulse and check your heart rate. Like this." he reached for the stethoscope around his neck.

You: Checking Franklin's heart rate didn't hurt, and after that, Dr. Fox took some measurements- how tall he was, and how much he weighed. "You're a big boy, Franklin!" Dr. Fox cried, gleefully. "You're nice and meaty."

You: Franklin didn't know what that meant- he figured it was just doctor jargon.

You: Oh, how he was wrong.

You: The rest of the check-up went fairly uneventfully, until Dr. Fox said, "Now I just have to test your reflexes and you'll be all done."

You: "How do you do that?" Franklin asked.

You: "I have a little hammer, here," Dr. Fox, said, unearthing an enormous construction tool. "All I do is tap your knees and see how you react! No biggie."

You: But before Franklin could voice his concerns about the size of the hammer, Dr. Fox brought it crashing down on top of his shell. It cracked and shattered into a million pieces, while Dr. Fox cackled, "NOWHERE TO HIDE!" and leapt upon the turtle with that same hunger illuminating his expression.

You: He ripped Franklin to pieces, the blood spraying across his starched white coat and all along the walls, as Dr. Fox devoured the small turtle.

You: When he was done, Dr. Fox shouldered his coat off and hung it behind the door, before leaving the room and carefully shutting the door behind him. Casually, he approached the receptionist and said, "Next patient?"

You: The end.

Stranger: wow lol

You: The other one was more gruesome. Bear managed to maul six people before he disconnected.

Stranger: good literacy skills

You: I'm a writer, so I should hope they're at least half-decent.

Stranger: good lol

You: Anyway, thanks for listening. See ya later.

Stranger: have you published any books

You: Nope, but I'm workin' on it. I think you'll know it if I do.

You have disconnected.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

@ 9:31 AM

This pony has all the answers to everything, ever.

Monday, May 24, 2010

@ 10:34 PM

Courtesy of engrish.com.

don't do an apology blog don't do an apology blog don't do an apology blog

This blog is titled "My Weekend at Miss Tina's".

The Pros:

We got to relax on a mildly windy but otherwise temperate beach with lots of (mostly dead) wildlife, with beautiful sunsets and a great view of Fox Island.

We got to solicit somebody's tire swing while they weren't looking, and Kaari almost cracked her head open on a rock doing so until an old lady opened her back door and we scattered.

I roasted a hot dog over a fire for the first time in my life.

I ate two (okay, three. ...or four.) s'mores.

I bridged to an Ambassador Girl Scout.

I remembered a camp song I hadn't sung in ages.

The Cons:

I got kicked in the face- it was an accident, but it still hurt.

Once again, camp songs are banned in my Girl Scout troop, but echoing bad renditions of songs that GLEE covered is alright. (insert basement cat eyes here.)

My hot dog sucked.

While we were conducting our bridging ceremony a good three miles away, we left our campfire unattended. Ironic much?

Someone gave us the finger on the highway.

I managed to screw up my leg, somehow- I swear, guys, I have the worst legs of all time. I have fantastic ball-in-socket ankles, they just roll around and never sprain, except occasionally they make me trip on sidewalks or steep hiking trails. But one funny step, and my whole leg could be crippled for a month.

I dunno.

Anyway, all in all, it was an okay weekend. I don't much fancy spending long periods of time with the girls in my troop, just because they're, selfishly put, not my type. I'm so nerdy it hurts- my idea of nerdy is the ability to cite all one hundred gazillion memes on /b/. Their idea of nerdy is playing Halo for longer than ten minutes. We just don't mesh, and even though I try, there's clearly a wall, and until Miss Tina recognizes it and relents from forcing me to 'engage' with my 'peers', I'm going to insist on spending as little time with them as possible.

PS Alexis accidentally crushed one of my sand dollars. I said it didn't matter, but I'm a teenager, so I lied. It was cool and dark-colored because it was still dying.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

slow blogging week @ 9:34 AM

I want to be the very best, like no one ever was.

To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause.

I will travel across the land, searching far and wide;

these pokemon to understand the power that's inside...

POKEMON, gotta catch 'em all, it's you and me-

I KNOW IT'S MY DES-TI-NY

POKEMON, OH YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND

IN A WORLD WE MUST DEFEEEEEEEEND

POKEMON, gotta catch 'em all, a heart so truuue-

OUR COURAGE WILL PULL US THROUGH

YOU TEACH ME AND I'LL TEACH YOU

POKEMON

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

@ 11:00 AM

DRUG DEALERS ARE DORKS. YOU'RE A TURKEY.

Monday, May 17, 2010

@ 12:20 PM

This is my grandpa. He's a full-time pastor in Gig Harbor. That's grandma's left* eye and cheek over to one side.

So I owe it to you guys to upload a real post, don't I? Sorry, I've been having an awfully busy week. It's only going to get busier, though, as the school year draws to a close. But I can assure you that Google Chrome has the worst spell check of all time.

It doesn't recognize letters after periods as incorrect and thinks winnebago isn't a word.

Oh, well. I have Mother's Cookies brand vanilla cremes because even though we are running out of food, we spent this week's grocery money on the right kinds of junk food. So I have potato chips and cookies and also some ice cream that I'm not in the mood for!

YAY OBESITY.

*Webcams reverse images. Bet you didn't know that.** Observe the labels in the background if you don't believe me.

**I'm almost OCD about pointing out that someone's left side is shown on the right and vice versa in webcam shots. It's a cheap way to feel smart.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

@ 2:12 PM

So I unearthed this from my files and I thought I'd show you. My friend's MSN Live Messenger was inaccessible for a time, so we used Chatango- I'm Fascist (although not politically i promise).

Friday, May 14, 2010

oh life @ 11:26 AM

RECENT EVENTS IN THE LIFE OF ME

The woman I volunteer for asked a seven year-old boy if he was going to have a bowel movement, as a sarcastic way of saying 'Do not climb under stall doors to use the bathroom, you dipshit'.

I'm all out of money- bad

Because I bought Daria on DVD- very, very good

We have food in the house for once- except no eggs. But I'm fine with that because we have fresh strawberries and blueberry bagels.

My cat has been officially banned from the upstairs room because she climbs the window screens, for various reasons- my mother doesn't want her to break the screen, fall out and die. My dad doesn't want her to break the screen and have to pay money to replace it.

I AM BEING BAPTIZED ON SUNDAY THE TWENTY-THIRD.

Whoo!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

faggotry, thy name is maximum ride @ 12:29 PM

Let me tell you something about James Patterson.

That man is a fag in every sense of the word.

If you guys can think of a worse writer that isn't Stephanie Meyer, I promise you, I will cut off my hand and post it here as a trophy.

I speak most specifically of the Lake House and the Maximum Ride series, which are virtual copies with the exception that Lake House has veritable kiddy porn in it, and Maximum Ride has boobs. The two compare in that titular Max of the latter series is the same in Lake House; wings and all. She falls in love with some douche named Ozymandias and ends up laying eggs at the age of twelve. Of course, Patterson covers up hers and Ozzy's delicious mating scenes by saying that at the age of twelve, they're already as mature as 3o year-old humans; you know, the kind without wings. In the Ride series, she has a whiny, angst-filled love interest with black hair and ebony wings whose primary objective is to publish a book of deep poetry. His name is Fang. Srsly.

In the last book, he and Max go to Vegas and win the lottery, but then he ditches her because he can't be with her while she leads the flock (their feathery freak show friends) because it's like, distracting or something.

Anyway. The first two books in Maximum Ride were really cool, if you were ten- the 2% bird DNA freak job kids that were running from the scientists that wanted to tear them apart, the Erasers- sexy model men that turned into wolves, and the ideal that somewhere out there, the inner you was living off the grid and fighting for survival on the edge of a waterfall or something badass.

However, as the series progressed, it became gradually worse- the youngest of 'the flock', Angel, developing super powers faster than Peter Petrelli can stop time, the introduction of a dog that can talk OMG and jump really high in the air, and the government asking super nice if the freaks would like to come and save the melting polar ice caps and some fishies in Hawai'i.

No joke.

By the way, Max runs into a really sweet veterinarian totally by accident because she was saving the lady's daughter, and then OMG it turns out the lady is really her mom!

Not to mention the blind winged kid (who is also in Lake House) who lost his vision in exactly the same way and also happens to be really good at making bombs and cooking.

Wonder how many times the dude's put salt in place of sugar.

Overall, the series' potential degraded rather quickly as Patterson used the stories as an excuse to foist his liberal propaganda into the literary world. This proved unsuccessful for anybody paying attention, however, as Stephen King has been quoted as calling Patterson a 'terrible writer' outright.

I love Stephen King.

I never read his books- with the exception of Through The Eyes of the Dragon-, because I'm a wussy, but the dude is a genius and probably one of the smartest, funniest writers out there.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

laziness looks like: @ 2:16 PM

SO. I haven't blogged in forever, and instead of gracing you with a real post, I'm going to give you a frigging meme because that's how I roll.

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:

Become disgustingly rich

Solve a murder case for the police

Learn to surf

3 Things I Cannot Do:

Associate myself with humans for longer than five minutes without suffering an epileptic fit

Pick something that I will always like

Draw faces

3 Things That Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:

Intelligence

Rapier wit (which my boyfriend lacks, but he'll pick up on it)

Someone who will have a sword fight with me in Disneyland

3 Things I Say Most Often:

Dude

3 Celebrity Crushes (in no particular order):

Robert Downey, Jr.

3 People I Want To Fill This Out:

Everybody who read this post (SNIPED)

Thursday, May 6, 2010

boobies @ 9:02 AM

Okay, so, sleeping naked is good for two reasons:

The blankets feel all weird against your unusually (I WOULD HOPE) bare flesh.

You get to feel a little dirty without doing anything wrong.

With the delicious bonus that you may have epic dreams, which I usually have anyway.

Last night, I dreamed I was Aang from Avatar, playing combustion games with Prince Zuko, who I was having a legendary battle with at the same time. I'm not really a fan of that show, but I did watch most of the first season, and becoming a super-powered martial arts expert in my dreams is pretty cool, regardless of who I am.

But it is not cool when you get a phone call at eight thirty from an old second grade teacher you volunteer for, and have to sprint through the house with your hands clasped around your sizable breasts to get the phone and praying that your brother is still in bed.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

a little cartoon rant @ 8:53 PM

If there's one thing I find nauseating in this world, it's television shows with morals. Or, more correctly I might say, television shows with morals that clash with my own. Admit it- if you disagreed with the legalization of marijuana, you'd find it pretty tough to sit through the episode of Family Guy all about it.

Family Guy tends to moralize stuff a lot- I think they try to be very South Park about it, but they do it completely wrong. Where South Park has only ever tried to instill common sense into their viewers, Family Guy is as liberal as possible- pro-abortion, pro-dope, pro-Obama, pro-ethnic diversity, yadda yadda yadda.

They're political about it, and that's what ruins it for me. I never liked the show that much, anyway, it has the worst jokes of all time, and the characters are so unlikable it's frustrating. No wonder they were cancelled twice.

I'm not saying South Park is better- I'd never say that (although I certainly think it). But they don't foist political propaganda on me, and at least it's not shitty one-liner after shitty one-liner. They have, you know, plots. Which I don't think Family Guy knows how to write.

The only episode of Family Guy I like is the Fat Guy Strangler episode.

Because Robert Downey, Jr. is in it.

I also feel bad because Matt and Trey won't have anybody on their show- celebrities, you know? Because they don't want to have to be nice to them. You know, "Oh, I had soandso on my show, now I can't make fun of them". They want every door open, and it's stupid that celebrities can't make fun of themselves.

You know Kanye West is still pissed about the Gay Fish episode.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

suicide is worth it @ 5:46 PM

SUBTITLED

"My Life When Retarded Pharmacists and Even Dumber Doctors Get Your Lamictal Prescription Incorrect".

And no.

I'm not the one in the wrong.

I think a high-strung, paranoia-driven sixteen year-old with a persistence that makes Milton Waddams look like a pansy would remember exactly the right amount of seizure-preventive medication she should be taking.

Monday, May 3, 2010

so, a naked blonde walks into a bar @ 4:41 PM

Occasionally, you feel like being a little bad.

So occasionally, you break out uTorrent and ask your friends what to download.

These were my helpful suggestions:

'HENTAI GAMES. PORN.'

'Is Fatal Frame on the computer?'

'SOFT-CORE PORN.'

'Dude, download Plastic Beach.'

'BEASTIALITY.'

'NAKED PICTURES OF A PHILLIPINO GIRL LAYING ON A BED OF NAILS STROKING A SALAMI.'

for the record, i own plastic beach legitimately.

Sunday, May 2, 2010